The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says, "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on."
The girl goes home, gives the money to her mother, & asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, puts on one of her shortest dresses, & runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady & calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest hands the lady $1 and says...
"Lady, take this money, & for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!"
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The Pastor hollered out, "Grace!"
The congregation began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said, "Power!"
The congregation sang, "There is Power in the Blood."
Then the Pastor said, "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing...
"Precious Memories."
[Via: Email]
Picking Hymns
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend,
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital,
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
[Via: Email]
[Authenticity: Unknown/Not Verified]
Comments, 1955!
A very interesting story about this day is of the sixteen year old son of King Hima. As per his horoscope he was doomed to die by a snake-bite on the fourth day of his marriage. On that particular fourth day of his marriage his young wife did not allow him to sleep. She laid all the ornaments & lots of gold & silver coins in a big heap at the entrance of her husband's boudoir & lighted innumerable lamps all over the place. & she went on telling stories & singing songs. When Yam, the god of Death arrived there in the guise of a Serpent his eyes got blinded by that dazzle of those brilliant lights & he could not enter the Prince's chamber. So he climbed on top of the heap of the ornaments & coins & sat there whole night listening to the melodious songs. In the morning he quietly went away. Thus the young wife saved her husband from the clutches of death. Since then this day of Dhanteras came to be known as the day of "YAMADEEPDAAN" & lamps are kept burning throughout the night in reverential adoration to Yam, the god of Death.
Narka-Chaturdashi
The story goes that the demon king Narakasur ruler of Pragjyotishpur ( a province to the South of Nepal) after defeating Lord Indra had snatched away the magnificent earrings of Aditi, the Mother Goddess & imprisoned sixteen thousand daughters of the gods & saints in his harem. On the day previous to Narakachaturdashi, Lord Krishna killed the demon & liberated the imprisoned damsels & also recovered those precious earrings of Aditi. As a symbol of that victory Lord Krishna smeared his forehead with the demon king's blood. Krishna returned home in the very early morning of the Narakachaturdashi day. The womenfolk massaged scented oil to his body & gave him a good bath to wash away the filth from his body. Since then the custom of taking bath before sunrise on this day has become a traditional practice specially in Maharashtra.
Another legend is about King Bali of the nether world mighty power had become a threat to the gods. In order to curb his powers Lord Vishnu in the guise of a Batu Waman- a small boy- visited him & begged him to give him only that much land which he could cover with his three steps. Known for his philanthropy King Bali proudly granted him his wish. That very moment that small boy transformed himself into the all-powerful Lord Vishnu. With his first step Lord Vishnu covered the entire heaven & with the second step the earth & asked Bali where to keep his third step. Bali offered his head. Putting his foot on his head Vishnu pushed him down to the underworld. At the same time for his generosity Lord Vishnu gave him the lamp of knowledge & allowed him to return to earth once a year to light millions of lamps to dispel the darkness & ignorance & spread the radiance of love & wisdom.
Lakshmi Puja
On this auspicious day Lord Shri Krishna around whom revolved the entire story of our great epic Mahabharat & the philosopher, who preached Karmayog through his Geeta to Arjun on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, discarded his body.
Bhagwan, Mahavir, the Jain prophet also attained "Nirvan" on this day.
Swami Ramtirth, the beloved "Ram Badshah" of millions of Indians was not only born on this day & took "Sanyas" but also took "Samadhi" on this day.
Swami Dayanand Saraswati, founder of Brahma-Samaj with his superb yogic powers greed his soul from his body & mingled with divinity on this auspicious day of Diwali.
We kindle innumerable lights on this day to immortalise the sacred memories of those great men who lived to brighten the lives of millions of their fellow beings.
One very interesting story about this Diwali day is from Kathopanishad of a small boy called Nichiketa who believed that Yam, the god of Death was as black as the dark night of amavasya. But when he met Yam in person he was puzzled seeing Yam's calm countenance & dignified stature. Yam explained to Nichiketa on this Diwali day of amavasya that by only passing through the darkness of death, man sees the light of highest wisdom & then only his soul can escape from the bondage of his mortal frame to mingle with the Supreme Power without whose will not an at ton moves in the world. & then Nichiketa realised the importance of worldly life & significance of death. Nichiketa's all doubts were set at rest & he whole-heartedly participated in Diwali celebrations.
Padwa or Varshapratipada
Govardhan-Puja is also performed in the North on this day. As per Vishnu-Puran the people of Gokul used to celebrate a festival in honour of Lord Indira & worshipped him after the end of every monsoon season but one particular year the young Krishna stopped them from offering prayers to Lord Indra who in terrific anger sent a deluge to submerge Gokul. But Krishna saved his Gokul by lifting up the Govardhan mountain & holding it over the people as an umbrella.
Govardhan is a small hillock in Braj, near Mathura & on this day of Diwali people of Punjab, Haryana, Uttar Pradesh & Bihar build cowdung, hillocks, decorate them with flowers & then worship them.
Bhaiyaduj
As the legend goes Yamraj, the God of Death visited his sister Yami on this particular day. She put the auspicious tilak on his forehead, garlanded him & led him with special dishes & both of them together ate the sweets, talked & enjoyed themselves to their heart's content, while parting Yamraj gave her a special gift as a token of his love & in return Yami also gave him a lovely gift which she had made with her own hands. That day Yamraj announced that anyone who receives tilak from his sister will never be thrown. That is why this day of Bhayyaduj is also known by the name of "YAMA-DWITIYA" Since then this day is being observed as a symbol of love between sisters & brothers. It became also imperative for the brother to go to his sister's house to celebrate Bhaiyaduj.
Diwali : Stories Related To The 5 Day Festival
I was driving home from a meeting this evening about 5, stuck in traffic on Colorado Blvd., & the car started to choke & sputter & die. I barely managed to coast, cruising, into a gas station, glad only that I would not be blocking traffic & would have a somewhat warm spot to wait for the tow truck. It wouldn't even turn over. Before I could make the call, I saw a woman walking out of the 'quickie mart
building', & it looked like she slipped on some ice & fell into a Gas pump, so I got out to see if she was okay.
When I got there, it looked more like she had been overcome by sobs than that she had fallen; she was a young woman who looked really haggard with dark circles under her eyes. She dropped something as I helped her up, & I picked it up to give it to her. It was a nickel.
At that moment, everything came into focus for me: the crying woman, the ancient Suburban crammed full of stuff with 3 kids in the back (1 in a car seat), & the gas pump reading $4.95.
I asked her if she was okay & if she needed help, and she just kept saying 'I don't want my kids to see me crying,' so we stood on the other side of the pump from her car. She said she was driving to California & that things were very hard for her right now. So I asked, 'And you were praying?' That made her back a away from me a little, but I assured her I was not a crazy person & said, 'He heard you, & He sent me.'
I took out my card and swiped it through the card reader on the pump so she could fill up her car completely, & while it was fueling, walked to the next door McDonald's & bought 2 big bags of food, some gift certificates for more, & a big cup of coffee. She gave the food to the kids in the car, who attacked it like wolves, & we stood by the pump eating fries & talking a little.
She told me her name, & that she lived in Kansas City Her boyfriend left two months ago & she had not been able to make ends meet. She knew she wouldn't have money to pay rent Jan 1, & finally in desperation called her parents, with whom she had not spoken in about 5 years. They lived in California & said she could come live with them & try to get on her feet there.
So she packed up everything she owned in the car. She told the kids they were going to California for Christmas, but not that they were going to live there.
I gave her my gloves, a little hug & said a quick prayer with her for safety on the road. As I was walking over to my car, she said, 'So, are you like an angel or something?'
This definitely made me cry. I said, 'Sweetie, at this time of year angels are really busy, so sometimes God uses regular people.'
It was so incredible to be a part of someone else's miracle. And, of course, you guessed it, when I got in my car it started right away & got me home with no problem. I'll put it in the shop tomorrow to check, but I suspect the mechanic won't find anything wrong.
[VIA: Email]
[Authenticity: Unproven]
Friends are God's way of...
Just remove the damn battery from the clock & Enjoy life!
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack your because you are a vegetarian. Think about it.
Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude...! Keep on rocking!
Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did & is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!
He was a good man. He never smoked, drank, & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
Only 20% boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive, or married to someone else!
Laziness is our biggest enemy - Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies - Mahathma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di?
Powerful Quotes
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured & now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree...
Chinky-Pinky
Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
Forgot The Bait
That refers to mine ............ ..or the Bank's!"
Current Financial Crisis
India @ its Best
Be there when I need you?
Help me when I need a clue?
Always give me the love I seek?
Kiss me gently on my cheek?
Catch me when my knees go weak?
Wipe away my every tear?
Whisper softly in my ear?
Tell me sweet things I love to hear?
Rock me to sleep and play with my hair?
Show me how much you really care?
Never stop being there?
Open your heart and give it to me?
Say I'm the only one with the key?
Consider my feelings and agree?
Treat me like I'm the one you treasure?
Say that compared to me nobody can measure?
Appreciate the love I give?
Be meaningful and always forgive?
Never let go and never mis-give?
Tell me I'm special in every way?
Tell me you love me when there's nothing to say?
Never forget my love grows for you each day?
Will You...
2. Talk about yourself.
3. Use the personal pronoun "I" as often as possible in your conversation.
4. Mirror yourself continually in the opinion of others.
5. Listen greedily to what people say about you.
6. Insist on consideration and respect.
7. Demand agreement with your own views on everything.
8. Sulk if people are not grateful to you for favors shown them.
9. Never forget a service you may have rendered.
10. Expect to be appreciated.
11. Be suspicious.
12. Be sensitive to slights.
13. Be jealous and envious.
14. Never forget a criticism.
15. Trust nobody but yourself.
How To Be Perfectly Miserable
Chandrayaan I (Lunar Craft), is an unmanned lunar exploration mission by the Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO). The mission includes a lunar orbiter as well as an impactor. The spacecraft will be launched by a modified version of the Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle.
The remote sensing satellite will weigh 1304 kg (590 kg initial orbit mass & 504 kg dry mass) & carry high resolution remote sensing equipment for visible, near infrared, soft & hard X-ray frequencies. Over a 2-year period, it is intended to survey the lunar surface to produce a complete map of its chemical characteristics & 3-dimensional topography. The polar regions are of special interest, as they might contain water ice.
The ISRO has identified Mylswamy Annadurai as Project Chief.
The spacecraft is scheduled for launch on October 22 with a window fixed between October 19 & October 28.
They estimate the cost to be INR 3.8 billion (US$ 83 million).
The mission includes five ISRO payloads & six payloads from other international space agencies such as NASA & ESA, & the Bulgarian Aerospace Agency.
Summary
Organization | Indian Space Research Organization |
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Mission type | Orbiter |
Satellite of | Moon |
Launch date | 22nd October 2008 from Sriharikota, AP, India |
Launch vehicle | Modified Version Of Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle [PSLV-XL] |
Mission duration | 2 years |
NSSDC ID | CHANDRYN1 |
Mass | 523 kg |
Power | 750 W |
Orbital elements | |
Eccentricity | near circular |
Apoapsis | initial 1000 km |
Scientific Objectives | ||||||
The Chandrayaan-1 mission is aimed at high-resolution remote sensing of the moon in visible, near infrared(NIR), low energy X-rays & high-energy X-ray regions. Specifically the objectives will be | ||||||
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Simultaneous photo geological & chemical mapping will enable identification of different geological units, which will test the early evolutionary history of the moon & help in determining the nature & stratigraphy of the lunar crust.
Mission Objectives
To launch & orbit a spacecraft in lunar polar orbit & conduct scientific studies.
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GROUND SEGMENT FOR CHANDRAYAAN-1 MISSION | |||
Ground Segment for Chandrayaan-1 comprises three major elements viz. Deep Space Station (DSN), Spacecraft Control Center (SCC) & Indian Space Science Data Center (ISSDC). This trio of ground facility ensures the success of the mission by providing to & fro conduit of communication, securing good health of the spacecraft, maintaining the orbit & attitude to the requirements of the mission & conducting payload operations.The ground segment is also responsible for making the science data available for the Technologists / Scientists along with auxiliary information, in addition to storage of payload & spacecraft data. | |||
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Ground Segment for Chandrayaan-1 |
- The Terrain Mapping Camera (TMC) has 5 m resolution & a 40 km swath in the panchromatic band & will be used to produce a high-resolution map of the Moon.
- The Hyper Spectral Imager (HySI) will perform mineralogical mapping in the 400-900 nm band with a spectral resolution of 15 nm & a spatial resolution of 80 m.
- The Lunar Laser Ranging Instrument (LLRI) will determine the surface topography.
- An X-ray fluorescence spectrometer C1XS covering 1- 10 keV with a ground resolution of 25 km & a Solar X-ray Monitor (XSM) to detect solar flux in the 1–10 keV range. C1XS will be used to map the abundance of Mg, Al, Si, Ca, Ti, & Fe at the surface, & will monitor the solar flux. This payload is a collaboration between Rutherford Appleton laboratory, U.K, ESA & ISRO.
- A High Energy X-ray/gamma ray spectrometer (HEX) for 30- 200 keV measurements with ground resolution of 40 km, the HEX will measure U, Th, 210Pb, 222Rn degassing, & other radioactive elements
- Moon Impact probe(MIP) developed by ISRO is in turn a small satellite that will be carried by Chandrayaan-1 & will be ejected once it reaches 100 km orbit around moon, to impact on the moon. MIP carries three more instruments namely, a high resolution mass spectrometer, an S-Band altimeter & a video camera. The MIP also carries with it a picture of the Indian flag, it's presence marking as only the fourth nation to place a flag on the moon after Russia, United States & Japan.
- Among foreign payloads, The Sub-keV Atom Reflecting Analyzer (SARA) from ESA will map composition using low energy neutral atoms sputtered from the surface.
- The Moon Mineralogy Mapper (M3) from Brown University & JPL (funded by NASA) is an imaging spectrometer designed to map the surface mineral composition.
- A near infrared spectrometer (SIR-2) from ESA, built at the Max Planck Institute for Solar System Research, Polish Academy of Science & University of Bergen, will also map the mineral composition using an infrared grating spectrometer. The instrument will be similar to that of the Smart-1 SIR.
- S-band miniSAR from the APL at the Johns Hopkins University (funded by NASA) is the active SAR system to map lunar polar ice. The instrument will transmit right polarized radiation with a frequency of 2.5 GHz & will monitor the scattered left & right polarized radiation. The Fresnel reflectivity & the cicular polarization ratio (CPR) are the key parameters deduced from this measurments. Ice shows the Coherent Backscatter Opposition Effect which results in an enhancement of refelections & CPR. With the data the water content of the moon polar region can estimated.
- Radiation Dose Monitor (RADOM-7) from Bulgaria is to map the radiation environment around the moon.
Participating Groups
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ISRO is also planning a second version of Chandrayaan named: Chandrayaan II. According to ISRO Chairman G. Madhavan Nair, "The Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) hopes to land a motorised rover on the moon in 2010 or 2011, as a part of its second Chandrayaan mission. The rover will be designed to move on wheels on the lunar surface, pick up samples of soil or rocks, do in situ chemical analysis & send the data to the mother-spacecraft Chandrayaan II, which will be orbiting above. Chandrayaan II will transmit the data to the ground. We are trying to conceive an experiment in which the system will land on the lunar surface, move around & pick up samples, do their chemical analysis & transmit the data back to the ground."
On 12-11-2007 representatives of the Russian Federal Space Agency & ISRO signed an agreement for the two agencies to work together on the Chandrayaan II project.
Chandrayaan II will consist of the spacecraft itself & a landing platform with the moon rover. The platform with the rover will detach from the orbiter after the spacecraft reaches its orbit above the moon, & land on lunar soil. Then the rover will roll out of the platform. Mylswamy Annadurai, Project Director, Chandrayaan I, said: "Chandrayaan II will carry a semi-hard or soft-landing system. A motorised rover will be released on the moon's surface from the lander. The location for the lander will be identified using Chandrayaan I data."
The rover will weigh between 30 kg & 100 kg, depending on whether it is to do a semi-hard landing or soft landing. The rover will have an operating life-span of a month. It will run predominantly on solar power. Launch Date - 2010/2011
According to Ben Bussey, senior staff scientist at The Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory in Laurel, Maryland, Chandrayaan's imagery will be used to decide the future Moon Base that NASA has recently announced. Bussey told SPACE.com, "India's Chandrayaan-1 lunar orbiter has a good shot at further identifying possible water ice-laden spots with a U.S.-provided low-power imaging radar, Bussey advised--one of two U.S. experiments on the Indian Moon probe. The idea is that we find regions of interest with Chandrayaan-1 radar. We would investigate those using all the capabilities of the radar on NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter, Bussey added, a Moon probe to be launched late in 2008." The launch date for the LRO has since been delayed to February 2009.